Of Fame and Opportunities

When you find yourself in a position where you can reach a lot of people and where you can easily influence them, know that what you have is an incredible opportunity to make a difference—a good difference. Words can be manipulated to either uplift or denigrate. Why spread something unpleasant if nothing good is ever going to come out of it? You may have expressed yourself, but at who’s expense?

 

Spread solutions instead of complaints. Propagate useful information instead of paltry rumors. Choose to say something enriching rather than berating. Choose to spread kindness instead of violence. Choose to make other people smile instead of making them bow in shame. Choose to make them feel happy that someone like you is around. Perhaps, they’d make others feel the way you made them feel, all you have to do by then is to sit and see how it circulates.

 

You’ll be surprised at how such a simple act can make you feel genuinely content and peaceful.

Mondays and Rainbows

I was driving to work this morning. After I dropped off my mother, I shut the air-conditioner and opened the windows and felt the cool wind blow my hair. The rain poured earlier when the sun wasn’t out yet and I found it almost impossible to get out of bed, but now the rain has stopped and the after-rain smell lingered in the wind.

The car slowly crept past the College of Human Ecology and the Institute of Chemistry Wing behind the Institute of Mathematical Sciences and Physics. The dirt road made everything jingle, from the rosary hanging behind the steering wheel to the coins on the dashboard. Up ahead, I saw that the rain has succeeded in making small puddles of water everywhere. I came to a full stop when I reached the asphalt road and signaled to go right. The streets were deserted, but I still felt the urge to look left and right twice. I slowly made my turn and saw that everything was damp: the road was darker and the leaves of the trees and shrubs glistened. The rain has that power to wash the earth, I suppose. Turning left, I found myself crossing the Palma Bridge and glancing at the rear view mirror, I saw a man driving a green motorcycle and argued in my head for a moment: is he smiling? When I glanced again he was gone; he must have made a left turn. At least, he was having a good Monday morning. Inspiring.

I drove past the D.L. Umali Hall when I decided to turn left and take the other route going up of Mt. Makiling where my workplace was at. I gained speed as I ascended the steep slope. I drove past an old man pushing his bicycle upwards because the road was clearly too steep for bicycles. A few meters after, I saw ahead a pregnant woman taking an early morning walk, she was headed down. I saw her bulging tummy and thought: Could the baby inside know that the morning was beautiful, that it was a very fresh Monday and that the earth has just been hydrated? Could it sense that beyond the flesh and skin that is protecting it, the sun was beginning to shine? That after every downpour, the sun would always be there to dry the puddles and make the leaves sparkle like diamonds? Could it know that as I drove past his or her mother, I silently prayed for a beautiful life for them? I prayed that, to them, Life would be kind and just… That one day he or she would also see Life as I did at that exact moment when I sent heaven that little prayer for him or her—full of hope for everything that is good. After all, how else could I have seen Life on a fresh, pleasant morning?

I parked the car and started walking towards our building, I didn’t look up, but I was sure there was a rainbow above me, not because it just rained, but because I had faith that there was.

A beautiful heart

Last night I was in the largest lake in the region. The fine July breeze hit my face like a greeting of some sort, as if it were asking me how I was. The lights of the Metro twinkled at the end of the horizon, their reflections on the water dancing like the thoughts in my head. I stared at the star-laden sky and then closed my eyes. Right there, as I was standing by the dark placid waters, life was giving me another night to relish the sweet aroma of freedom. I had taken the chance. After all, who was I, in the grander scheme of things, to let the

opportunity pass by?

I knew that in order to fully savor my triumph, I should trace my steps back to the beginning, to the dirty and grimy past which I thought had the best of me.

* * *

It all started three years ago when I decided to give love a shot by being brave and confessing to my friend my true feelings. But just like in a heart-breaking movie, our story did not have a happy ending. To make the story short, I got rejected and had to erase from my mind all the dreams I had for the two of us. It ended as quickly as it started, but I did not foresee how it would affect my life for the next three years.

To be fair, maybe I had expectations that were too high and I just misread all the signs, but no matter what, I was to blame, and I acknowledge that. Maybe I have not seen too many friends-turned-lovers-turned-epic-failure movies to have forgotten that. I should have thought of what would happen to our friendship if things did not work out.

Constantly seeing that person around reminded me of how I felt the day I got rejected—inadequate and unwanted. And this happened often, for we were bound to see each other since ours is a small town.

Sometimes, I would trick my mind into feeling better by creating fantasies in my head that maybe I was just being tested, that later all of my feelings would be reciprocated—I only had to be patient. But “sometimes” turned to “always.” The problem was, through all of the vague fantasies, I was not able to see that I failed to let go.

* * *

I opened my eyes again and smiled. I knew there was no one there to see it, but this time I was smiling to myself. This may just be the most serene night I have experienced in a very long time, I thought.

* * *

I guess I realized that I was not letting go a year after the rejection, but I knew that I was one step into moving on. I acknowledged the fact and then I accepted it, but it took time. I had to write tons of blog entries and talk about it more than a couple of times with my family and friends. In fact, for more than a year it was the only thing my friends and I would talk about, whether we were on the road or nestled in our favorite coffee shop. How they were able to stand my repetitive rants and lamentations is beyond

comprehension.

It took me all this time to realize that my heart got broken, but it took me even longer to get rid of my fabricated fantasies. It got to a point where I thought I had this disease that made one incapable of not thinking about a certain person. So I decided to find distractions, and I found running in the process.

I hit the gym after I graduated from college to lose all the post-manuscript writing weight I had put on. I enjoyed being on the treadmill so much that I decided to hit the real pavement and hills of our university campus. It proved to be effective and I found myself losing weight, feeling better and sleeping better. It felt great to have control over my life.

Recently I placed third in a fun run event.

Continuing my lucky streak in finding distractions, I joined the Lectors and Commentators Ministry of our parish, serving as a reader of the Word every now and then. I also found it effective. It was about this time when I realized that the once No. 1 topic was no longer trending in my conversations with my friends, that I ran no longer to distract myself but because I enjoyed it, and that I read in Church because I loved serving and being a vessel of God’s message.

I have let go. The process sounds so easy now, but it never was. There was even a time when I thought I could never move on, but now that I look at everything from a different perspective, I am thankful I got rejected, because otherwise I would not be where I am today nor would I be who I am now. To someone else, those three years could easily be the worst years of his life, but to me they were the best yet.

* * *

The lights of the Metro grew numerous as the night passed on, multiplying like glass when it is shattered by a blunt object. Three years ago, my heart got broken just like that, pieces of it flying everywhere.

Where do broken hearts go? Well, in my case, some of them went to my family and friends who each took a fragile piece and mended it with hugs, comforting advice and listening ears. One large piece was lifted up to God who has been taking care of it since He formed it in my mother’s womb. The remaining pieces were left with me, taking time to mend on their own, awaiting the return of the other pieces, and when they did, they formed back into a heart which is now scarred—a reminder that it has loved—which makes it all the more beautiful.

 

 

———————————————-

My essay published October 1, 2011 – Philippine Daily Inquirer – Opinion Section – Young Blood Column

Behold

 

There’s a certain melancholy when the night begins to deepen. The noise in the world diminishes slowly as do the restlessness of the heart. Anger dies and sadness replaces it. The darkness brings nothing but blindness and hopelessness, the depth of which I couldn’t fathom even if I tried.

It’s true what they say, that things will get clearer when the dust settles. I’ve done so many regretful things that at first I wasn’t sure if the dust would ever even settle, but today, it seems like my wait was not in vain.

I’ve cleaned the slate that was once heavily tinged with discontent and a yearning to be free, to be loved. That yearning has brought me nowhere but in the very slums where disappointment and regrets reside.

With the settling of the dust, I’ve learned, yet again, that I’ve still got a whole life ahead of me and the past can only be turned useful if I learn from every mistake.

With the settling of the dust, I realize that I haven’t really recognized the truth that I am destined for something far greater than my own or others’ selfish interests.

With the settling of the dust, I regain my sight and I see what’s really important.

The night came without warning, running its course while I wallowed with every minute of darkness. But now the sun is rising with rays as effervescent as they’d ever been and behold, I will be a new creation.

Let’s Do Something More Worthwhile

Start Today

While you were spending your parent’s hard-earned money for booze and cigarettes; while you were sitting comfortably, sipping your expensive frappe in a warmly lit café; while you were spending endless nights with your clique drinking gin and beer to numb away the so-called stress of studying; while you pranced around with your iPhone strategically positioned in your hand so that anyone who sees you also notices it; while you were pestering your parents over the phone to increase your allowance; while you were leaving your apartment all dressed up to attend a party in lieu of opening your expensive lecture syllabi and laboratory manuals; while you ditched an early class because of a resulting hang-over; and, while your mouth is still being fed by hands who’ve been working to support your schooling and at the same time your family’s needs, somebody out there has stopped schooling not because she wanted to but because her parent’s could no longer pay her tuition fee, and has been working for a fast-food chain ever since just until she can save enough to go back, in her heart of hearts she silently wishes that she wouldn’t be too old when the time comes.

While you were copying your kind seatmate’s assignment because you were too engaged in an online game last night, somebody out there is working three jobs so he could help his parents send his little brother and sister to school.

While you elatedly browsed the clothes at a boutique for a date, somebody’s mother is slowly putting back a blouse she wanted for her birthday because she decided to use the money for her husband’s medications instead.

While you were “taking it easy”, somebody out there has just finished college a semester early and with honors and is already looking for a job so he could support his mother who has breast cancer.

What would have been a better use of your time?

Never This Way

I just remembered that I promised myself never to be in this kind of
situation. I was young then, but I knew what was important and what I really
wanted, what I was born to be—not this way, never this way.

I wish I could go back time and undo things. They were so many people I wish
I didn’t meet, people I wish I never let in my life. Ironically, those people
and the events they were involved taught me valuable lessons, and only those
lessons make it all worth it. I am a stronger person now that I’ve learned and
overcome the desolation.

But right now I am so tired and exhausted that I wish I could turn back time
when I had nothing to worry about but my family and work, a time when I didn’t
have to take in consideration a lot of people’s feelings, a time when I could
decide on things without having to worry about how someone else might feel, a
time when I could go to my room, close my eyes and not analyze anything, a time
when I could finish a book in a day and not have to entertain distractions, a
time when I knew what I wanted, what I needed and worked for that, a time when
weekends were supposed to belong to me. It’s not that I’m tired of caring for
others, it’s just that I’m tired of not caring for myself.

Now, all I am is lost and confused, trying to retrace my steps so I could go
back to the path that I’ve gone astray from. I wish when I finally find it, I
wouldn’t be tied to any strings so I could fly freely.

 

Thorn In My Flesh

Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”

 

Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

- 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

October 14, 2011 – 5:07 am

I opened my eyes this morning and found that the sun hasn’t come up yet. It was a terribly long night and the cold hasn’t left my feet. I thanked the dream giver for giving me what I wanted–a dreamless sleep.

I shifted my gaze from the sunless window towards my bedside table. I stared at my phone for a good 3 minutes until I decided to push it farther, as if it were a ticking bomb. I closed my eyes and felt the pain rushing back at my consciousness, the pain I pray no one would ever have to feel.

I wished I were still asleep with drier eyes, but the earth has continued to rotate and the sun would be up again in a few minutes so I might as well move.

I stood up hastily letting my pillow fall to the floor. I moved to see myself in the mirror. It was hard not to notice my eyes which were puffier than usual, but that wasn’t what I was trying to check. I looked at my chest and there it was still, that gaping hole staring back at me.

Perseverance

When I was 11 years old, I wanted to have my personal stereo with a CD player, the kind which you can carry around by its handle and can be powered by batteries. I decided to pester my parents into buying me one. I remember in every conversation that we had I would always find a way to connect my having a music player. They told me I should save up for it. I was optimistic but after a month and after doing the math, I knew it would take me about a year to come up with enough money. So I pestered them still. Now they told me that if I wanted it that bad, I should try and work for the money. It was April then, a hot summer day when I decided to cut the grass at my grandma Sally’s farm some 5 blocks away from our house. I remember that I cut the grass with a garden scissor and I can remember my grandma’s laughter as she watched me cut almost 2 square meters of grass with it. I then transplanted a periwinkle plant from the ground into a pot and that was when I was told by her that I had a green thumb, but that’s a different story. After my work was done (which was when I got exhausted), she gave me 50 pesos.

I went home victorious and as I waved that 50-peso bill for my parents to see, I realized, at that age, that I could do anything as long as I wanted it badly, as long as I worked for it and showed everybody that I deserved it.

About a month after, my parents decided to buy me one, most probably because they realized I was never giving up. I wasn’t able to come up with enough money to pay for the whole thing, but I did contribute a fraction of it. On May 31, 2000, I got my Philips stereo system.

As I was growing up, I continued to know myself as someone with a blazing perseverance—as long as I seriously want it, I will always keep on working to get it. Just like when I wanted to see my name in the honor’s list when I graduated high school, to pass UPCAT, to lose weight, and just like when I wanted my article to get published in a newspaper.

It’s taken me this long to realize that after all, all I really wanted was you. I never really learned to stop and give up. I just got tired and rested, but my spirit never lost sight. So I’m back on the path I’ve chosen to follow. And I’m still ready to get hurt and bruised up, not because I’m stronger, but because I know you’re worth it. I knew it the first time I saw you. I feel it when I see you. I don’t care if they say that I deserve someone better, see, I don’t care about me, I care about you.

I will continue to wait and persevere. I won’t stop until I genuinely feel and believe for myself that you don’t want me in your life, that you’d be happier without me. If that ever happens, I’d still be ecstatic—at least I can still make you happy by moving away.

Foolishness, as they say. I call it perseverance.

The Impossible

There is a reason why we met and why my nights which were once filled with silence are now full of life. It is a difficult undertaking to imagine myself cruising through life having never met you, and I am absolutely grateful for all the time we’ve been together. Everything always seems just right; perfectly imperfect moments which are the pinnacle of a great relationship. I feel very strongly that you are more than a friend.

In this planet, we roam around every day and meet people who we learn to like, admire and love, but it is a rarity to meet someone then find oneself forever changed by that same person. We go through life day by day not ever knowing that a single day in our lives is dedicated to meeting that rare person who would change our self-made constitutions, principles and our view on life in general. And when that day comes, we would not even know it has until the effect of that day grows stronger as time passes by.

 

The self is changed and the person responsible will never be forgotten. We sit and ponder in silence, and then just know that it is impossible to say goodbye.